von Fiona Drechsler
Prologue
I NEVER THOUGHT I’d make it to 18. I was sure I’d be dead before then. And still, here I was. 17 years old. It didn’t even occur to me at first. I didn’t even realize I had almost outlived my self-set life expectancy. But I did. Only eleven more days to get there. That was something to be happy about, right?
But now I had to go through with all the plans I had half-heartedly made in the past years, months and weeks. Traveling was one of the big ones. Going to college, having my own place. Sometimes these didn’t seem enough. That’s when Lexi would tell me I needed more specific goals. Plans even.
So I made a list.
And I secretly titled it Don’t kill yourself until you did…
- See the Eifel Tower
- Spend a night at the beach
- Take a Modern Dance class at London
Dance Academy
- Watch all seasons of ‘Friends’
- Dance in a Musical
When my teachers asked me what I was going to do the summer after graduation and I told them I’d go see Paris, Spain, London and New York, they told me to lower my standards. But I liked my list. Made me excited for the future.
And that’s all it was supposed to do.
Chapter 1
Somewhere in the multiverse, I am a mentally stable person. This isn’t the one.
FOR NOW, I was still stuck in school, with graduation just a few months away. And I wasn’t doing too bad. I also wasn’t too great either. The bruises on my left forearm still hadn’t disappeared, so I wore an oversized jumper in the middle of June, pulling up the one sleeve where the skin underneath looked normal. I made up for it with shorts that almost disappeared under the jumper’s hem. Just a normal girl. Just a fucking normal girl.
I had this habit. Not a good habit. A very bad one. Pushing my nails into my skin somehow seemed to be the only way to make my thoughts quieter. And my thoughts were loud. Crazy and loud. And I couldn’t stop them.
That morning, my parents had already left. On mornings like this, I was glad and horrified at the same time that my boyfriend picked me up. Glad because I didn’t have to talk to anyone else, horrified because I had to talk to him. Someone who would listen to what I said.
Vic’s car was my second favorite place in the world, though between his gym shoes and my dance bag the smell wasn’t always the most pleasant.
After throwing my bags in the back seat, I hopped in next to Vic. When I kissed him, I could feel time stopping. It could’ve gone on for minutes if I wasn’t so anxious about being late to school.
“Do you have your essay?” he asked while pulling onto the street.
“Yeah, finished it at like midnight,” I replied, yawning loudly. “Can I leave my dance bag in your car today?”
Sometimes his basketball practice took so long that we didn’t see each other before I needed to get going. Lately more often than not.
“Sure, I think I can even drop you off at dance today.” He slipped me a quick smile before returning his eyes to the road.
“Owww, how can I thank you for that?” I put my hand on his leg and he smiled.
“I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”
THE FLIRTING HELPED my anxiety. I didn’t know how it worked exactly. But it did, and I felt like I should be grateful to have someone like Vic who didn’t question my weird moods. Like how I went from not texting back for two days to bubbly and excited about everything within minutes.
School was okay. When there wasn’t anything too stressful, it didn’t really change my mental state. Like awful tests or presentations. Or teachers who felt like calling on people who didn’t raise their hands was a great idea.
This day was uneventful. In retrospect, I should’ve been thankful for that. If I’d known what would happen later that day, I probably would have been.
Honestly, the most stressful time was lunchbreak, when there were just too many people confined in a small space, and no one there to tell them to shut up. It was so loud! Too loud. I seriously contemplated excusing myself and spending my break in the fourth-floor bathroom, which was so far from here, it was empty during lunch. Don’t ask me how I knew that.
It wasn’t realistic though. I sat at a table in the middle of the cafeteria (the location alone gave me anxiety), and I would most likely bump into at least one other student when trying to get up, which would quite possibly turn me into a shivering mess.
Most of my friends had been talking about tonight’s party all week. On the other side, Vic, who had his leg pressed against mine, was talking to his friends about the upcoming basketball game. Both of which did not interest me very much right now.
So, while drinking some coffee and taking occasional bites from my lunch, I texted Lexi. She didn’t go to this school but was my best friend, nonetheless. Of course she was coming to the party tonight and before that we would see each other at dance, yet, texting her never got boring. Plus, it calmed my nerves to pretend to be someplace else.
“Earth to Jen. You there?” Ellie shouted from across the table. She was waving her hand as close to my face as possible without dipping her arm into the food in front of her, and I was almost sure she hadn’t said my name for the first time. When I lifted my head, the girls around giggled.
Nervously, I tucked at the sleeves of my jumper. “Huh?”
What followed were a series of questions about the party tonight. Not like we went to parties probably every other week! Still, they asked what I was going to wear every time. This time, it was precisely the moment I realized I couldn’t wear the short dress I usually would. Because it exposed my arms. And I wouldn’t get away with a hoodie twice in one day.
“I have this new crop top,” I told Nana’s piercing eyes. By the Dance Gods! How could she look so intense when asking about clothes? “It has this insane neckline. I don’t think my parents would let me wear it anywhere.”
“Good thing they don’t check.”
“They probably aren’t even home tonight,” I shrugged. If I just kept talking about unimportant stuff long enough, none of them would get to ask serious questions.
Nana laughed. “Oh, so I guess we’ll have to expect you two love birds to leave early.” She winked, and the other girls burst out in laughter.
Of the things they knew about Vic’s and my relationship, the fact that we haven’t had sex that much anymore wasn’t one of them. And maybe ‘love birds’ also wasn’t the first thing I would use to describe what was going on between us.
Though, if it gave me a reason to leave the party, I’d take it. It was much more fun to spend the night driving around anyway.
Before Nana could open her mouth again, I cut in. “What about you?”
“About… my sex life or my outfit?”
It wasn’t that funny. But I laughed anyway. “Both?” I had meant her outfit but if I could get Nana to talk until next lesson started, I would.
When she started going on and on about the guys she could be screwing tonight, I zoned out. My phone vibrated with a new message from Lexi.
Lexi
Just finished school…
Lexi
You’re gonna get ready at
my house tonight?
When Nana wasn’t looking – which was basically 80% of the time – I tapped my response into the phone in my lap.
Me
Totally! I’m gonna borrow
your green top!
It took her just about two seconds to answer.
Lexi
Obviously;)
AFTER I THREW my school bag in the back seat of Victor’s car, I let myself drop in the passenger seat. And off we went. I loved being there. Mainly because it meant Victor and I were alone. I liked being alone with Vic. The other reason was that driving in a car always made me feel like I was free, like I could go anywhere and do anything without my parents or teachers telling me what to do or what not to do. It was momentous!
And with Vic I never felt like I had to be somebody else than just me. He was one of the few people I could be my true self with. If I had known how the day would end, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten into the car with him. But how? How would I have known?
Maybe that’s why we make mistakes sometimes. Because we don’t know better. Because we think nothing bad is going to happen. Because we think the world – our world – would never just fall apart like this. But it does. And it will.
But we’re not at that part yet. First, I had to get to dance class. Victor didn’t even pull into a parking space to drop me off. He knew I was already late, and with the quickest kiss and See you later I jumped out of his car.
Then I rushed into the changing room. Most of the girls I had class with were already there. Lexi too. Well, Lexi was never late. She also didn’t go to school like I did. Like most of us did. She was home schooled. Once she told me she didn’t like it very much. But when I complained about all the tests and exams I had to do and the mean teachers I had to listen to, she realized it wasn’t that bad. That her teachers being her mom and two other tutors was actually an advantage. Her classmates were her four siblings, and they weren’t too bad. Being home schooled also meant that she had a schedule much more flexible than mine. She finished her schoolwork most days within four hours, and then she could practice before getting to the dance studio with a lot of time to spare. Our dance teachers loved her. Why wouldn’t they? She was always on time and polite, and she was one of the most talented girls there were.
“Have you heard back from any of the dance programs yet?” Lexi whispered to me as we entered the dance studio. We weren’t supposed to talk or ‘chatter’ as Miss Burke called it, when in Ballet class. It was bad manners, she always said. And she didn’t allow bad manners.
Luckily, class hadn’t started just yet, even though our teacher didn’t look very relaxed. I didn’t allow myself more than a whisper. “You know you’d be the first to know.”
Since graduation was just around the corner, Lexi and I had applied to a few programs together. Because dance was not just a hobby. It was life. “Why? Have you?” I asked her. There was a reason she had brought it up, and Lexi’s silence only confirmed it. “Wait, have you? Have you?”
She grinned like she just got her favorite protein bar.
Catching Miss Burkes’ strict glance, she quickly and quietly replied “Later.”
“You’re evil,” I told her. She was. For baiting me, and then not telling me. But there was no way to ask her now. Miss Burkes was starting class.
After Ballet we had Jazz, and after that Hip Hop. I loved dance so much, it always got me out of my head. On this day though, it wasn’t quite as easy to banish all other thoughts from my brain. I was way too focussed on not taking my long-sleeved dance shirt off, because it would have meant people seeing the fresh cuts and bruises. And even though these people were more my family than my blood family would ever be, I didn’t trust everyone to handle it well.
WE HADN’T EVEN bothered to change out of your dance clothes, when we left the studio. “There are some snacks in the bag, and we have some chicken at home,” Lexi’s Mom said when she started the car. Like always, Lex and I had huddled in the back seat.
“Merci maman,” Lexi replied and offered me the first Twix bar.
We were already late before we’d even made our first stop. Not unusual. Still hurried to get to the party. Lexi held the car door wide open as I sprinted out to my house to get my clothes.
We drove to Lexi’s house where I showered while she changed. At least that’s what I thought she did, but when I came back to her room, she was still wrapped in a towel.
“I hate to put on clothes when I’m still wet,” she explained after I shot her a confused look.
“That’s usually what towels are for,” I countered.
Which was when she threw a pair of socks at me. “I know, but…”
“You don’t know what to wear.”
“Yeah… well, not everyone can have a designated party outfit.” It was the moment her eyes flicked to my exposed forearms. To where the hot water of the shower had stung in my bruises, making them stick out even redder against my pale skin. “Are you okay?”
I didn’t lie to Lexi. I would have said something like Never been better if I did. But my response of “I’m okay” technically wasn’t a lie. When I was with her, I was more than okay.
“You know that if you need to talk, you can talk to me, right?” I did. This wasn’t the first time she’d offered. “So, do you need to talk?” Her voice was soft and kind. As if I could break at any moment if she spoke too loudly.
“I know… thanks. But I need the distraction of a nice night out right now.”
“Alright… Now tell me what to wear.”
“Yes, sir.” I saluted mockingly and made my way to her wardrobe. She’d already pulled out some pieces that were now discarded on a pile on the floor but there were so many more clothes still untouched. “Red? You look great in red.”
There was this red top she’d worn to her birthday party at the beginning of the year, and it fit her perfectly.
“Sure? Isn’t it too much for a party? Too attention-seeking?”
“I think it’s perfect,” I answered instantly and waited for her to put it on.
While both of us got dressed, and our hair and faces done, I asked her about one of my personal horror topics: the future. Weirdly enough, Lexi was the only one I wanted to talk to about it, while she was also the only one who didn’t bug me with it.
“Where do you want to go first after graduation?”
“To whatever dance program I’m doing.” That was quick. But also predictable. Lexi knew what she wanted. I, on the other hand, didn’t. “Where do you want to go first? London? Paris? New York?”
“Wherever you’re going,” I answered honestly. There was no place I wanted to go to. There was no place I allowed myself to want to go to. Because not going there after I told myself I could would break me.
“Yeah! You and me forever!” She laughed excitedly. “So, where are we going first?”
LEXI TOOK ANOTHER twenty minutes to get ready. Maybe because we found ourselves gossiping about all the things possible to gossip about: Dance teachers and other students, dance shows and actors, school and family. In retrospect it was a miracle it didn’t take longer. When we finally followed Lexi’s mom’s call downstairs, she was already waiting with her car keys in hand.
This also wasn’t the car ride that changed my life forever. Lexi and I talked and laughed in the back seat while Lexi’s mom very consciously and cautiously drove us to Matthew Anderson’s house. We had been at that house a couple times before. Every time there was a party it was either at Matthew’s place or Matthew was there.
It was 8:30 when we walked through the front door. I didn’t know where Vic was going to be, but we decided to go to the kitchen first to get some drinks anyway. Not necessarily because we wanted to drink as much as most people at this party but to have a cup in our hands in case some half drunken guy wanted to convince us to drink more than we wanted to. Vic wasn’t in the kitchen but as we left it both with a plastic cup in our hands, we saw him in the middle of the living room talking to some other guys from the basketball team.
At this time of the night, it wasn’t hard to get through all those people. I knew that later there would be at least double as many and it would be a pain to get anywhere. But right now, it only took a couple seconds until I had my hand on Vics arm. He turned around and I kissed him. All was good.
I didn’t really recall much after that. It was a party like any other. I hung with the boys for a while, danced with Lexi, and had some drinks. Since Vic made a vow with his best friend to not drink this basketball season, he was driving us home. We dropped Lexi off at her house at about half one and then made our way to my place.
That’s when it happened.
Chapter 2
VIC AND I were talking. I don’t remember about what. It’s all very blurry. But I know that I was there, and he was there, and we were in his car on our way to get home.
There’s only one moment I really remember. His eyes weren’t glued to the street like they usually were. Instead, he stared right at me. I couldn’t make out his expression, and I don’t remember what he said.
Suddenly his face turned blank. And then his eyes got really big and he stared at something behind me. But before I could turn around, there was a big… something.
Something that changed everything. Something that made me feel so much pain. So loud and sudden, I didn’t even know what had happened when it was already over.
I really didn’t remember much. Except the suddenly bright lights in the darkness and the fading smell of alcohol. And Vic. I remembered Vic’s face.
Chapter 3
THERE WAS NO pain when I woke up. And the crash seemed like a faraway dream. I felt myself take a deep breath. Then I opened my eyes.
It didn’t look very heaven-like. Or hell-like. Or white like in the movies, where they go into the light. What I saw was…
Something pink.
I heard a voice. A kid’s voice. And as I was turning my head, I caught a glimpse of a small bed in the corner. Too small for a grown person. But big enough for a child.
My back felt like it should hurt, but it didn’t. Moving didn’t hurt. Sitting up didn’t hurt. Though my body felt tingly. And kind of wrong.
The room I was in looked like a kid’s room. Lots of toys, tiny clothes and at least two dozen stuffed animals. At a small table next to the window sat a little girl. She kneeled on the floor, while three tiny chairs were occupied by dolls and a teddy bear. In front of each of them stood a plastic cup and in the middle of the table a tea pot. Pink of course.
“Here’s some tea for you. Do you want sugar with it?” Her soft voice sounded kind. And her words seemed practiced. Had she even noticed I was here?
She was still talking to her toys. Didn’t even glance at me. Could she see me? Was this some hallucination? A dream? If I closed my eyes long enough, would this end? Would I wake up? Would life go on?
I tried. I tried so hard. Maybe I needed to lay back down? Maybe pressing my hands against my face helped? Maybe I was supposed to get into the exact same position I woke up in?
Nothing worked. Any time I opened my eyes again, I saw the beige walls, big teddy bears and a pink rug. And of course the girl.
She was hosting her tea party, not even looking up as I constantly changed my position. Getting up, laying down, turning over.
One of her dolls fell out of her tiny chair, and in an instant the girl was there to pick her back up, straighten her dress and hair and offer a biscuit. Without realising it, I sat up, straightening my spine just like they’d told us to so many times in dance. Stared at this weird scene in front of me.
“What is this?” I heard myself whisper.
There it was. The girl moved ever so slightly to turn to me, before changing her mind. She kept on pretending not to see or hear me, but now I knew. Knew that she was only pretending.
“Where am I? And who are you?” I said louder this time. My eyes were locked on her even though she kept acting like I wasn’t there. It was weird to see some four- or five-year-old try so hard to ignore me. Why would she do that?
If I hadn’t known better, I would believe I was trapped in someone’s room who couldn’t see me. But I knew she had heard me before. I knew she was trying so hard not to look in my direction because she had seen me before.
I tried getting up, only to find that it was much harder than before. There still wasn’t any pain exactly, but my knee felt strange. As if it wasn’t working properly. Or made out of play dough. I couldn’t find anything to hold onto, so I sat back down. Made a noise that had the girl twitch slightly again. But since I couldn’t walk to her and she was still insisting on turning her back to me, there was no way to see how she felt about me being here.
Was she scared? It would explain things. I would be scared if someone just showed up in my bedroom out of nowhere. And without any explanation. Maybe she knew why? Maybe she would talk to me if I was really nice? Maybe there was a reason why I was here?
“Hi,” I said much more friendly. “I’m Jen, what’s your name?” Nervously I pushed some of the hair out of my face. The girl still didn’t turn around or speak to me, but she stood still for a moment. “Can you tell me what I’m doing here? Can you tell me where I am?”
Slowly, as though she wasn’t entirely sure whether she should do it or not, the girl turned around. Her eyes quickly found mine, and a mischievous smile appeared on her face. “Hi, I’m Mina. And these are my friends: Bubblegum,” she pointed to the teddy bear, “Rainbow,” a doll with a blue jumpsuit, “and Daisy,” a doll with green hair. “Do you want to have tea with us?” Without waiting for my reply, she turned back to the table and put a biscuit on one of the plates.
“Mina, that’s a nice name. Can you tell me where I am?”
“This is my room,” she said in a chipper voice while wandering around the table, adjusting her toy’s seats. She stopped across from me and smiled. “Come and play with us.”
My first instinct was to get up, but I remembered my knee. “I’m not sure I can. I hurt my knee or something.”
Mina glanced down at my leg. Her brows narrowed. “Sometimes I get hurt, and I think I got hurt really bad, but then it just gets better because it wasn’t bad. My mommy blows on it and then it’s okay. Do you want me to blow on it?”
“Not necessary,” I said quickly, “I’m good.”
When I noticed her rather disappointed look, I tried moving closer to her. This time by crawling. My knee didn’t feel weird this time but maybe it was because the situation itself just felt awkward. When I reached the table, Mina had already put another plate and teacup up for me. So, just like I was supposed to, I sat down on the ground and focussed my attention on the girl who was now putting pretend tea in my cup. “How old are you, Mina?”
“I’m five. I got these for my birthday.” She pointed at the pink tea set.
“That’s really nice!” Did five-year-olds know where they lived? Did five-year-olds realise it was weird when a 17-year-old just randomly appeared in their room? “Can you tell me where I am, Mina?”
Her expression changed. Instead of the wide grin, she looked at me with a pitiful smile. I didn’t know many five-year-olds, but I didn’t think they would look at someone like that. “Oh Jen.” In that moment her voice also sounded much wiser than that of a kid. “You know exactly where you are. You have to start asking the right questions.”
“The right questions? What do you mean?”
My confusion didn’t prompt another pitiful look. Instead, she went back to playing with her dolls. “I can’t tell you that. You have to find out yourself.”
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